Archive | July, 2010

The Denver Catfish Festival House of Goods is OPEN!

14 Jul

Say it once, say it loud. I wear Catfish Apparel, and I am Proud!

Greetings Again, Fellow Catfish Enthusiasts,
At one point in your lives, perhaps as a child or as recently as yesterday, you gazed lovingly upon adornments in a shop window, the coozie surrounding another’s cold beer, or the regalia upon a model in a magazine.  You saw a shirt, a hat, a coffee mug, a chopping block, a mousepad. 
You thought to yourself, “If I had that one piece, that one item, that one luxury…If I could decorate myself and/or my environment with such opulence, I would surely be a success at all endeavors I chose to pursue.”
If this singular event took place yesterday, you went back to your hovel, heated up last night’s leftover Ramen noodles, did a bit of Yoga to relax, popped a Leo Sayer cassette into the tape player,  and mellowed out with one half-can of your remaining Zima supply.  You thought about that eighteen dollars in your PayPal account.  You remembered that $7.20 check from your grandmother, buried for months under a stack of unpaid utility bills. You gazed about the room looking for slightly valuable items to pawn.  
Then, when you had streamlined your substantial finances into a Catfish Festival Nest Egg, you waited.  You harvested the remaining tobacco in the bottoms of cigarette butts into one final home-rolled smoke.  You lay awake; you tossed and turned in the hopes that tomorrow would be the day. 
And you were right.
Congratulations, Enthusiasts.  We at The Eighth Annual Denver Catfish Festival Fashion and Merchandizing Institute would like to welcome you into the stratospheric fold of the have’s and away from the torpid squalor of the have-nots. 
The Denver Catfish Festival House of Goods is officially open for business. 
Step in, gander about, buy some stuff.  There’s even a section with vintage retro Catfish Fest Gear for you older fools from various older schools.
As part of our Denver Catfish Festival Logo Contest, we’ve included not only the Official Denver Catfish Festival 2010 Logo design, but several other submissions as well.  Celebrate the diversity of our graphically-talented entrants by showing them some mercantile love! 
Winning designs were submitted by:
Jonathan D.
Jared D.
Billy V.
Congratulations, gentlemen! 
In closing, we’d like to thank Catfish Festival Marketing and Merchandizing Superintendent Vanessa for setting all of this up!!  Nice Work!!!!!!!!
Joe T., Chmn.
“Ask Me About The Denver Catfish Festival House of Goods”
PS: Old stuff is also still available at the Cafe Press stores.  We switched this year due to quality concerns; it was a tough decision due mainly because Cafe Press is the only online printing joint that does thongs.  Drag.  You can find links to the old stores on the “shirts-hats-gear” page linked above.

I say CAT! You say FISH!

9 Jul


(Again, this is where you say FISH. Say it aloud. A whisper is acceptable if reading this email in mixed company.)

Greetings, Fellow Catfish Enthusiasts!

As of this writing, The Eighth Annual Denver Catfish Festival is a mere 28 days 22 hours 21 minutes 15 seconds away, and your Denver Catfish Festival Steering Committee has been diligently working on all things Catfish. Over the past month, we’ve attended Catfish-related seminars and symposiums in Arkansas, Louisiana, and even Red Rocks Amphitheatre in order to ensure that your festivalgoing experience is, quite simply, The Greatest Single Catfish-Centric Day of Your Entire Life.

We had noticed certain specific concerns among Festivalgoers before our jaunt, and upon our return, concerns had turned to grumblings. Grumblings had turned to voicings. And those voicings had turned to shouts.

Therefore, we feel that we must dispel certain rumors about catfish and their happy environs; we must act as a soothing voice, smoothing the needlessly agitated whiskers of even the most ardent aficionados of aquacat. So here goes:

While the hell-bound villains at TransOcean and BP have done a rather complete job of screwing up all things delicious in our beloved Gulf of Mexico, there is absolutely no way, no how that crude oil could possibly infect the Hearty and Insuppressible Catfish to whom our jovial Festival is dedicated.

Our bounty is a farm-raised freshwater denizen, raised in closed, inland ponds using recirculated fresh water and fed a mostly vegetarian diet of soybeans, corn and rice.

It should be noted that not all catfish choose the vegetarian diet; however, it is not uncommon to see some Catfish lounging about the farm wearing “Go Veggie!” t-shirts. And while these naive creatures are often the same catfish who can be seen outside of the farm’s snack bar and dining ponds pestering omnivorous catfish for petition signatures or Greenpeace donations, they cook up just as wonderfully as their brethren. As a matter of fact, their tender flesh is even a bit more…flaky.

So rest assured, Fellow Catfish Enthusiasts, the only oil saturating our bountiful catch will be VEGETABLE oil.

We’re getting close, Enthusiasts. I toss and turn at night, unable to sleep due to the fierce anticipation which constantly addles my noggin.

I also seem to be losing important shut-eye because we don’t have your Catfish-inspired Haiku yet! The prize packages this year are more extravagant than ever! Submit at once!

The Eighth Annual Denver Catfish Festival
Saturday, August 7, 2010
First Fillet Hits Oil at1:12 PM MDT
The Catfish Festivalgrounds
3156 Geneva St.
Denver, CO

Joe T., Chmn.
“Ask Me About The Eighth Annual Denver Catfish Festival”

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