ASK-THE-CHAIRMAN

Greetings, Fellow Catfish Enthusiasts,

As has become tradition, inquisitive festivalgoers pose any and all sorts of questions to The Chairman as the Catfish Festival approaches.  We’ll list all of the Q’s and A’s on this page.  Enjoy!

(If you have a question that must be answered, please send it to denvercatfishfestival (at) gmail (dot) com. We’ll answer in two shakes of a catfish’s tail.)

QUESTION:

“Dearest Chairman,

Why are giant jars of dill pickles given to haiku contest winners?

–Curious”

Dear “Curious,”

While we are currently quite busy putting together the final touches of what will surely be the greatest Denver Catfish Festival ever, we feel that your question has merit and deserves an answer.

The pickle has long been a staple of fried seafood events and celebrations.  One only need look as far as known Catfish lover (and ancestor of the Chairman) Bill Shakespeare for its basis, in the catfish fry* scene of “The Tempest”:

King Alonso asks the jester Trinculo, “How camest thou in this pickle?”

Trinculo, drunk and definitely in trouble, responds,”I have been in such a pickle since I saw you last…”

Theater patrons of the time recognized the connection between fried catfish and pickles, and a tradition was born!  Numerous historical texts have given witness to the fact that outside of The Globe and The Rose theaters, catfish fries were common as part of tailgate parties before and after performances of Shakespeare’s plays, and the delicious scent of fried catfish and hush puppies often wafted through the cobbled Elizabethan streets of London.

Therefore, in honor of William Shakespeare, Poet, and the tradition he began so many years ago, we offer a giant jar of pickles in recognition of our own festivalgoing poets and their inimitable penchant for verse!

 

Or,

 

Back in ought-five, Mrs. Chairman was involved with her school’s summer carnival, and was in charge of selling ice-cold pickles to patrons at the event.  Anticipating a run on pickles, we procured a Chairman’s ransom in big jars of dill pickles from the local Sam’s Club and were well-prepared for the onslaught of carnival attendees and their insatiable desire for our fair product.

Lamentably, the crowds never came.  Afterwards, once the disappointment had subsided, your Chairman asked, “what in the hell are we going to do with eight giant jars of dill pickles?”

Mrs. Chairman responded, “We could give them away as Haiku contest prizes.”

A tradition was born.  And what better way to finish off a plate of delicious deep-fried, farm-raised Catfish than with a brightly crisp dill pickle and an ice-cold Miller Lite to wash it down with?

“Curious,” we appreciate your inquiry and can’t wait to see you at the 2016 Denver Catfish Festival!

*Chairman’s note:   The fish fry as setting for Act 5, Scene 1 was edited out of “The Tempest” after Shakespeare’s death due to pressure from powerful English fish-and-chips interest groups who saw the cornmeal-battered catfish as a superior to battered cod, and therefore a threat to business.

 

QUESTION:

“Dear Mr Chairman,

Another seemingly irrelevant question has arisen from the New Orleans contingent, even though we’re not able to attend the festival. We’re just dying to know. What’s the significance of 1:12 Mountain Time?

Inquiring minds want to know.

CR & Liz”

********

ANSWER:

Dear “CR and Liz,”

“Mr. Chairman?”  Mr. Chairman is my father’s name.  Please call me “Dear Chairman.”

Your inquiry is valid and appreciated, and deserves a full response:

After extensive research (dating back to the mid-1800′s) 1:12 PM, on a sunny summer afternoon one mile above sea level, has been proven to be the time of day at which ambient temperature and atmospheric pressures combine to create perfect initial frying conditions for the Holy Trinity of Catfish, Cornmeal, and Vegetable Oil.

Also, per detailed translations of Aztec cultural artifacts, 1:12 PM on the Aztec Calendar is known as “Tchtichuala Mixchco,” or “Catfish Time.”

Furthermore, as you are certainly aware, 1:12 PM is exactly 72 minutes past 12:00 Noon. In numerological terms, the number 72 has a long and storied past as it relates to Catfish Culture. Coincidence? You be the judge:

–A globular cluster of stars in the Constellation Aquarius is named “M72.”

–72 is the number of names for God according to Kabbalah. (Kabbalah followers are catfish freaks.)

–In 1972, the Miami Dolphins were the only NFL team to go undefeated (a team sometimes known as the “Fish,” even though Dolphins are mammals, and don’t fry up nearly as well as Catfish.)

–There are 72 hours in three days, the amount of time that some Denver Catfish Festivals have been known to last, most notably the Third Annual and Fourth Annual Denver Catfish Festivals. (But you knew that already, Liz and CR.)

–Glenn Dorsey, former LSU Football star and outspoken Catfishionado, wore #72 while at LSU.

–In Fisheries Finance, Magic Number 72 divided by the % rate of return = number of years required to double your original Catfish investment.

–In times of natural disaster, the Department of Homeland Security recommends that citizens have 72 hours worth of Fried Catfish on hand.

–72 degrees is considered both normal room temperature as well as the precise “zero temperature” at which Hush Puppies must be consumed before they become stale and inedible (after that they have to be wrapped in a wet paper towel and microwaved for 72 seconds.)

–Speaking of Hush Puppies, 72 is the maximum number of Hush Puppies that can be fried in one hour in a standard 1 gallon fryer.

–”Catfish Savannah,” a delicious Fried Catfish with Bell Pepper and Onion Sauce recipe, is currently the 72nd most popular seafood recipe on Cooks.com.

–In the 2007 LSU-Mississippi State football game, sometimes known as the “Catfish Bowl,” Jacob Hester, Shreveport Native and lover of Catfish, led all rushers with 72 yards.

–What do Nicole Eggert, Alyssa Milano, Catherine McCormack, Selma Blair, Rebecca Gayheart, Gwyneth Paltrow, Jenny McCarthy, Amanda Peet, and Angie Harmon all have in common? They’re all talented and interesting (just like catfish) and they were all born in 1972.

–The 1972 World Series–The Oakland A’s defeated the Cincinnati Reds in seven games.

The winning Pitcher in Game 7?

CATFISH HUNTER.

***And in a stunning turn of events that can only be described as The Catfishtrodamus Effect, please take special note of the date of The Tenth Annual Denver Catfish Festival:

7-21-12, or

72   112.

Again, Co-Weenkee-Deenk?

Liz and CR, we at the Denver Catfish Festival hope that we’ve answered your question to your satisfaction; thank you for sending it.

QUESTION:

Dearest Chairman,

Hi there – I am sure that we will be partaking in the ever so low key catfish festival this year to celebrate the 10th year – although on ORIGINS is states it started the summer of 2003…hmmm…makes you think!

Signed,

Book of Love Fan

ANSWER:

Dear Book of Love Fan:

We at the Denver Catfish Festival appreciate your strict adherence to the rules of mathmatics and of time, as evidenced by your painstakingly precise and professional perusal of our little corner of The Internets.

This particular conundrum has come up several times in the past (see the “HISTORY” page for the Fourth/Fifth Annual Catfish Festival naming debacle) and has been the subject of some contention amongst a small but vocal contingent of Catfish Festival historians.

With these factors in mind, let’s remove any element of doubt regarding Catfish Festival timing so that everyone can enjoy a safe, happy, and metaphysically-gratifying Tenth Annual Denver Catfish Festival:

As you have noted, the First Annual Denver Catfish Festival took place in 2003.  We can define this event as Year Zero for our purposes.  With this year marking the Tenth Annual Denver Catfish Festival, we are celebrating our tenth festival, falling at the end of Year Nine. You are correct in stating that it has, in fact, been nine calendar years since that initial celebration; however, this year’s Denver Catfish Festival will send us into our tenth year of existence.   And if we were on a planet with a smaller or larger orbit than our Earth, we would have to account for variation of length of that particular orbit as well, although it could be argued that we would be basing our calculations on that celestial body’s year rather than an Earth year (this has been discussed in committee, but no comprehensive policy guideline has yet been announced.)  Were we celebrating The Denver Catfish Festival near an extremely massive object such as a black hole or supermassive star, time would, according to theoretical physics, slow down and create scheduling headaches with regard to the first filet hitting oil, the deadline for Catfish-inspired Haiku submissions, and onset of Catfish Festival After Dark; furthermore, we have found through years of on-site research that cornmeal-breaded catfish filets reach a state of perfection after approximately 72 seconds in 380 degree cooking oil. So obviously it is important that we remove all of these factors and variances from the Year Zero/Year Nine/Tenth Year definitions. 

For dogs that have attended the Denver Catfish Festival, the math gets quite fuzzy, depending upon whether you believe in the Seven Years theory or the Declining Dog Years theory.  For the stars of the show, the Mighty Catfish, precious little research has been done as to our delicious friends’ perception of time, but it should be noted that some catfish live to be 60 years of age, spending the last fifteen to twenty lamenting about how things were better in the Old Days, yelling at C-SPAN, and catching earlybird dinner buffets.  The lucky Mississippi catfish that we will be frying up are generally between two and six years of age when they are martyred for our cause–old enough to have been around, but not so old as to become…bitter.

We agree, Book of Love Fan, that it really does make you think.  Keep on Touchin’ Roses!  We hope we’ve answered your question, and anxiously watch the seconds tick away as we anticipate your stunning arrival at The Tenth Annual Denver Catfish Festival!

Sincerely,

Joe T., Chmn.

“Ask Me About The Perception of Time As It Relates To The Tenth Annual Denver Catfish Festival!”

QUESTION:

Dearest Chairman,

Are there plans to launch a mobile app  for those that like to access catfish updates on-the-go??

Signed,

D-Fry

 ANSWER:

Dear D-Fry,

As you’re probably aware, technology is a rapidly-evolving beast.  We at The Denver Catfish Festival believe that the mobile revolution, i.e. use of cellular telephones and the like, has already become an archaic mode of communication. 

We instead have embarked on a journey into the cutting-edge world of nanocornmeal technology.  Soon, and without consent, quite possibly at the Ninth Annual Denver Catfish Festival, a microscopic implant will be strategically placed deep within your brain’s hunger receptors.  This implant will be activated remotely whenever we fry delicious Louisiana farm-raised catfish, and will create a tiny and relatively painless electric shock which will notify your conscious mind that it’s catfish time!  In our latest tests, the device appears to be effective to a radius of 100 miles. In later applications, we hope to be able to send verbal messages, play music, offer Gregorian chants, etc. so that you’ll get to experience the Denver Catfish Festival the way our schizophrenic friends currently do!

 We hope we’ve answered your question, and can’t wait to implant…uh, see you, at the Ninth Annual Denver Catfish Festival!

Sincerely,

Joe T., Chmn.

QUESTION:

Dear Mr. Chairman:

Are there really man-eating catfish in rivers in India, and can I wrestle one in a tank and then consume it at the event this year?

Sincerely,

David

ANSWER:

Dear David:

Contrary to popular belief, there are no man-eating catfish in the rivers of Inda; only women hapazardly doing laundry, discarded funeral pyres, and Holy men which the local Gharial crocodiles consider to be gamey, stringy, and lacking flavor.  (They are generally only consumed as between-cow snacks.) 

The giant catfish of the Mekong Delta, however, have been known to swallow men.  Strangely enough, it is only the adolescent giant catfish who do so; scientific research shows that this strange behavior only occurs when a fully active member of the giant Mekong catfish fraternity forces a younger member to do so as an instinctive form of hazing.

It is my unfortunate duty to inform you that due to ongoing economic uncertainty, the cost involved in transporting a giant Mekong catfish to The Denver Catfish Festival is currently prohibitive; furthermore, the adolescents are in finals that week. 

We hope we’ve answered your questions and can’t wait to see you at The Denver Catfish Festival!   

–Joe T., Chmn.   

 

QUESTION:

QUESTION:

Dear Mr. Chairman:

To date, your splendid event has had an air of rebellion, a genuine redneck counter-culture feel to it. So imagine my dismay when I received my DCF coozies in the mail, accompanied with the VERY CORPORATE SELLOUT- LOOKING packing slip depicted in the attached photograph. A downtown mailing office suite?  A 1-800 number?

Sure, we all chuckled as the DCF received loose sponsorships from such corporate megaliths as Miller Lite and that paper company that provided the napkin holders or whatever, and maybe the guy that did the hotrod catfish shirt for the 7th Annual DCF.  But now I must wonder if the DCF has already or will soon become a mass-marketed corporate shell of its whiskey-soaked former self, and thus a victim of its own runaway success.  To this future I say Hell No.

Please assure me that my patronage to your esteemed event through the purchase of dry goods (which are quite functional and sleek, I might add) is serving to provide for the betterment of catfish everywhere and to promote global understanding of the catfish lifestyle – not merely to provide for a golden parachute strapped to the backs of our trusted Chairpeople.

Sincerely,

David A. Lamb

P.S.  The writer hereby invokes all protections afforded to him pursuant to the Federal Whistleblower Protection Act.

ANSWER:

Dear David A. Lamb,

Does this mean your corporation is pulling its sponsorship?

Sincerely,

Joe T., Chmn.

“Ask Me About Sponsorship and Promotional Packages for The Eighth Annual Denver Catfish Festival”

QUESTION:

Dear Chairman:

WTF? OMG! I haven’t submitted my haiku yet. Am I screwed?

-Anxious on Alton St.

ANSWER:

Dear Anxious,

Thank you for your question.  Are you screwed?  I must say both no and also yes, but not in the way that you are probably thinking.

Please read the following carefully:

Per the Catfish Festival FAQ’s, Haiku submissions are accepted up until 3:00 PM MST on the day of the festival; therefore, you have plenty of time to conjure up your own literarily-disciplined verbal image of the fabled catfish.  In this respect, you can rest easy in the knowledge that you are not screwed.

However, to say you are screwed would also be correct, but only in the sense that a temporary lapse of attention (or perhaps a mild reading comprehension disorder of some sort) has led to your question.

I suggest that you take a quiet moment and a very deep breath then re-read the FAQ’s.  Sit back in a comfortable chaise on this unseasonably cool July morning with your favorite blanket.  Wash down some ADHD medication with a glass of tawny port, then grab a pen and paper.  Ponder the meaning of deep-fried catfish, then express your thoughts.

I think you’ll find that things will work themselves out, but only if your attention span allows.

Now get to work, Anxious, and I’ll see you at the Seventh Annual Denver Catfish Festival!

Sincerely,

Joe T., Chmn.

QUESTION: