Stupid NCAA, Snooping Around The Program…

11 Apr

Life ain't nothin' but catfish and money.

April 11, 2011 6:23 EDT

By ROB MANTIKA

 

NCAA Issues Statement of Inquiry Into Possible Recruiting Violations

INDIANAPOLIS (AP)–At a press conference in Indianapolis this morning, NCAA spokesman Gary Meismul announced that the NCAA is looking into questions of impropriety with regard to recruiting practices among several entities.

“This investigation is not specifically due to recent allegations in the media,” Meismul stated, “but the NCAA does not operate within a vacuum.  We realize that to insure fair competition, we must follow our procedures to make certain that the playing field is level.”

While not going into specifics, Meismul did give a list of subjects of the inquiry.

“With any investigation, we basically do an audit of paper trails and electronic archives as well as conducting personal interviews.  We’ll be sending investigators to specific areas to carry out the leg work.”

Up first for NCAA (National Catfish Advancement Association) investigators will be a stay in Denver, Colorado, where they’ll be looking into the inner workings of The Denver Catfish Festival, and into allegations that The DCF has been operating a “pay-for-fry” operation.

The allegations stem from an Outdoor Life Channel investigative story in which members of a Caddo Lake school of catfish claimed that they were given “$500 fin shakes” from DCF boosters while attending summer workouts at the DCF training pools in Stapleton, Colorado.

In a statement released this afternoon, Festival Chairman Joe T. called the claims “outrageous” and “complete and utter horse shit.”

“We at The Denver Catfish Festival have no need to pay catfish; we respect the amateur status of all who choose to be fried by us.  And while we at the DCF would never, ever point fingers, and have the utmost respect for other catfish festivals, the NCAA should have their microscope focused on the Tuscaloosa Catfish Festival.  Those guys are a bunch of cheating bastards.”

With a lengthy investigation coming, any sanctions would probably not be handed down until well after…

July 23rd, 2011, at 1:12 PM MDT, when THE NINTH ANNUAL DENVER CATFISH FESTIVAL takes off like a cornmeal-fueled rocketship of transcendental magnanimity!

We at The Denver Catfish Festival are also proud to announce The Ninth Annual Denver Catfish Festival VIP Experience raffle!  Two lucky winners will have the world on a catfish- and hushpuppy-loaded paper plate for the entirety of DCF9.  Details and entry information coming soon!

Sincerely,

Joe T., Chmn.

“Ask Me About The Ninth Annual Denver Catfish Festival!”

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