The Power of Catfish Compels You!

8 Jul

Greetings, Fellow Catfish Enthusiasts!

We at The Denver Catfish Festival hope that the long, hot summer finds you well and trust that you’re making final preparations for the Tenth Annual Denver Catfish Festival, which is now a mere 12 days away!!!

Our esteemed colleagues at The Denver Catfish Festival Biological Research Consortium recently unearthed some interesting (and a tad disgusting from our somewhat culturally insensitive perspective) information regarding the giant Goonch Catfish (species bagarius yarelli) of India.  The Goonch is not only the big fish in some pretty mighty rivers, but is also a sacred spiritual animal of the same ilk as their land-bound bovine brethren.  Apparently when dead bodies are burned and the ashy remains dumped into the Kali and Ganges Rivers, the Goonch are there to consume those remains and are then charged with transporting the souls of the dead upriver to a holy place where those souls are recycled and placed into new folks.  Such is the Indian Circle of Life.

We at the Denver Catfish Festival have similar, if opposite, beliefs.  When you attend the Denver Catfish Festival and revel in the consumption of delicious (non-Goonch) catfish filets, hush puppies, and coldbeer, and then stick around for the oft-bizarre and never-predictable Catfish Festival After Dark, you end up catching a ride home with a sober friend or jocular cabby and thereby transport the souls of those consumed catfish back to your home where they are shed (usually with haste,) flushed off to a holy place, and eventually are spiritually recycled into new catfish which grow fat and happy in anticipation of the Next Denver Catfish Festival.  Such is the Denver Catfish Festival Circle of Life.  

However, very rarely the circle is left incomplete, more like a “C” of Life, if you will.

The Denver Catfish Festival Biological Research Consortium has investigated a few reports of catfish souls remaining attached to the festivalgoers who transport them.  Signs of what The Elders called “El Bagre Diablo” (“catfish possession“) are fairly easy to identify, are not life-threatening, and can easily be exorcised.  

Signs that a Denver Catfish Festival Attendee is experiencing a case of ‘El Bagre’:

1. Begins to grow thick whisker like antenna on his or her cheeks.  Be careful not to confuse this with some vain attempt at growing a hipster handlebar mustache, which is usually accompanied by a lame hat, fixed-gear bicycle, unusually skinny jeans, and a condescending attitude regarding food and popular culture. 

2. Shows an insatiable desire to seek nourishment from the bottom areas of sinks, showers, tubs, pools, and other domestic bodies of water.  This “bottom feeding mentality” does not affect other areas of the subject’s life such as dating habits, which are usually caused instead by either an unhappy self-image or a geographical lack of quality prospects. 

3. Replaces bedding sheets and blankets with folded layers of paper towels, then resting and/or sleeping atop them. This behavior occurs after bathing in whole milk, rolling repeatedly in corn meal, and seeking out strong heat sources. 

The subject may also report strange dreams involving swimming effortlessly in murky water coupled with predatory behavior towards other fish, as well as an insatiable appetite for sushi.

What To Do When You’ve Identified a Case:

Remain calm.  Do not inform the subject that you’ve diagnosed their condition; you will only cause undue stress.  Find the nearest accredited Catfish Shaman.  The Shaman will be able to assess the level of possession and provide next steps.  If a Catfish Shaman is not available, find the nearest, largest river or lake available and release the subject into the wild.  Who knows—maybe they’ll attend next year’s festival in a completely different capacity!

Bob? Are you in there? Will you hand me my Rogaine?

 In other news, the Catfish-inspired Haiku Contest is getting hotter than hot hushpuppies straight out da fryer!  Your submissions are coming in at a furious pace and the judges cannot wait to feast their eyes upon your poetry stylings!   The winning three haiku artists will win stunning, life-altering prizes.  If you have not submitted your haiku yet, please do it!  Now!  Per the FAQ’s, we will be accepting submissions up to 3 PM on Catfish Festival Day. 

More updates to come!

Sincerely,

Joe T., Chmn. 

“Ask Me About Avoiding El Bagre Diablo at The Tenth Annual Denver Catfish Festival!”

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