Aerobecatfishercise!

10 Jul

Are they gonna play an actual song, or just noodle the whole time??

Greetings, Fellow Catfish Enthusiasts,

It has come to our attention, through our esteemed Denver Catfish Festival Minister of Information and the magic of that behemoth Book of The Faces social networking site, that “Fitness on The Rocks”, an annual feelgood daybreak ripshred-a-thon at Red Rocks Amphitheater, will be taking place on the morning of Saturday, July 21st, 2012. 

July 21st, 2012, as you may have gathered, is also the date for The Tenth Annual Denver Catfish Festival. 

While we at the Denver Catfish Festival feel that the morning of the The DenCatFest is best served with quiet reflection, quality time with loved ones, and final catfish-inspired haiku touch-ups, we are, in the spirit of such a Special Day, willing to dig into our very own trough of Red Rocks-related knowledge and experience in an effort to offer guidance to anyone attending this athletic yet eerily pagan ritual prior to The Tenth Annual Denver Catfish Festival. 

1.  The first step, and this is crucial, is to get those last two cigarettes in before hitting the stairs up to your seat.  Tromping up the stairs with a cigarette in hand makes it much more difficult to hold your hands on your hips or behind your head and gasp for air at eight-step intervals.  Once at your final resting place, errr, your seat (or technically the stairs area near your seat–smoking *tobacco cigarettes* is forbidden in the main area,) you can re-immerse yourself in Flavor Country.  It’s our understanding that you’ll be doing the other athletes a favor here, as apparently there’s some kind of trendy public aversion to smoking.  Plus, the less you smoke at Red Rocks, the more cigarette butts you’ll be able to flagrantly throw hither and yon at The Tenth Annual Denver Catfish Festival!  

2. From our experience, the best time to run at Red Rocks is to the bathroom and back during the drum solo.  We’ve not been notified of what musical act will be performing during Fitness on The Rocks, but they will certainly have a long and arduous drum solo.  Running to take a leak before said solo has ended is an excellent time to increase blood flow, really get those legs pumping, and not miss the next actual song.  And bring a couple of beers back for your friends.  You haven’t bought yet and it’s your turn.  Yes, PBR is fine, unless you pass one of those guys selling New Belgium Summer Wheat.  Man that stuff is good.  And good for you–because it’s a summer wheat beer, it’s made for exercising.  And it’s good for settling the palate before the consumption of catfish and hush puppies consumes your afternoon!

3. Always be on the lookout for overly intoxicated hippies.  The vertigo-induced faceplants down rows of seats and flights of stairs are an entertaining but grizzly reminder of how randomly dangerous the place can be; furthermore, the cloud of detritus kicked up by such a calamity can be quite harmful if ingested.   We know what you’re thinking and do agree that hippie faceplants are an important and whimsical part of the Magic of Red Rocks.  And whether the venerable venue is hosting a communal morning workout or a three-night String Cheese run, the hippies will be there in force, and a hearty portion of them will be wrecked beyond belief and, lamentably, prone to injury.  To any hippies planning on attending the Denver Catfish Festival, we will have our traditional “Hippie Paddock” set up for your enjoyment.  Just look for the Bronze Beige Metallic Vanagon Westfalia.  That thing attracts hippies like stinkbait attracts catfish.

4. To members of The Tenth Annual Denver Catfish Festival Friday Night Setup Crew who are planning to attend FitRocks the next morning:  Sweating out the bourbon, corn dogs, heavy metals, lead paint, and styrofoam burnoff ingested during Friday Night’s Festival Set-up is a great way to “clean out the pipes” and get back on your feet so that you can all return to the Festival Grounds happy, alacritous, and ready to eat, drink, drink, eat, dance, eat, and eat as much tender, delicious fried catfish and hushpuppies as your hearts desire.  We at The Denver Catfish Festival applaud your dedication to your bodies, whether it be in destroying them through exercise or elevating them through fried deliciousness!

Fitness on The Rocks

Perky people exercise

Chasing catfish ghosts.

 

Catfish and Red Rocks

Fried goodness, rippin’ workouts

They’re unlikely pals.

 

We at The Denver Catfish Festival hope that these suggestions will bring an even greater enjoyment to your July 21st, and can’t wait to see you at The Tenth Annual Denver Catfish Festival! 

Sincerely,

Joe T., Chmn.

“Ask me about the Denver Catfish Festival-approved Ab-Smasher!”

PS: See the italicized poetic verses up there?  Those are Catfish-Inspired Haikus!  Send us one and win something badass! 

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